July 1st - Millions of California douchebags are born.

July 1st.

3 days away from "Independence Day" and yet the government is taking away our freedom of using a cell phone while driving.

In California, as of today, it is required to use a hands-free device when driving. This ridiculous attempt to improve traffic safety has been proven insignificant in many cases including here.

But what is the real impact of this new law?

Well, not only will we all have to pretend we weren't talking on our cell phones when we see cops on the road, but the law has an impact much greater than you imagine.

An important advisory has been issued from the National Advisory of Douchebag Activity (NADA):

The NADA is expected to raise the threat level of douchebags who wear their headset 24/7 from orange to red today. People in locations such as bars, restaurants, cafes wearing their headset and not talking on the phone should be immediately reported to your local NADA official.

These people, commonly known as Blue Tools, may be extremely annoying in public when not on the phone. Please be aware that anyone who encounters the 'DoubleDouche' should contact your local authorities immediately.

For more information on the DoubleDouche, view the following video:

See more funny videos at Funny or Die

This Public Service Announcement has been brought to you by Yoga for Drunks.

"Cardboard Consulting" - Agency for the Homeless

Today, Yoga for Drunks has been out looking for investors to help launch our new business venture...

"Cardboard Consulting" - giving a 'hand' to panhandlers!

Cardboard Consulting is a full service marketing agency for the homeless. We specialize in the assessment of your panhandling efforts and provide you the resources you need to increase your panhandling revenue by over 200% - guaranteed!

We specialize in:
* Cardboard Slogan Development ("Betcha can't hit me with a quarter!")
* Best panhandle lines ("My car ran out of gas...")
* Appearance Management (tips to grow a scruffy beard in less than 3 days)
* Guide to the Hottest locations where yuppies pay for free nighttime parking.
* Shopping Cart Design (make it work for you while you sleep!)
* Leasing of Pathetic-Looking Dogs.

Our experts will practice tried-and-tested panhandling approaches with you... including the 'Storyteller', the 'Aggressor', the 'Entertainer', the 'Servicer', and more!


Special Offer: Contact us today and receive our free guide "Extreme Makeover: Cardboard Edition" and learn how to maximize your storage space and build an extra bedroom with a bidet with only two boxes!

Open Letter to Girls On Birth Control...

My friends are crazy.

Actually, one specific friend is especially crazy apparently from some new birth controls pills she's taking. I don't even think she's having regular sex...which has actually inspired me to write this:

Dear GOBC,

You claim to be the more intelligent sex, but I beg to differ.

'Smart people' should at least know simple math.
Simple as in...addition, subtraction, multiplication and division.

You, my dears, need to go back to school...
(Apparently, all that Aqua Net did some permanent brain damage).

Don't agree? Let's look at an example:

In high school, I was hanging out with a girl who convinced me to sign up for a gym membership (I hate gyms, but hey, she was cute). Anyway, it was $39/month - which we'll round to $40/month for the math-challenged.

I went to this gym probably once a month. $40/1 = $40 per session!
Here's the thing, if I went twice a month, the cost per session would be what? $20 ($40/2).

Sounds pretty simple, right?

This should encourage me to get off my lazy ass and actually go several times a month. Not that I did, but that was out of sheer laziness, rather than stupidity.

So let me ask you this...

You're paying $40/month or so for birth control pills and sometimes don't have sex at all that month. Mathematically, you end up paying $40 to NOT have sex that month.
Ridiculous.

Even once a month, you're basically paying $40 to have sex with that person. $40! Doesn't that kinda make you...well, a patron of the oldest profession?

And really, was that guy who just took you home after reading The Game by Neil Strauss really worth $40? Was it a good ROI (return on investment)? Ask yourself that question when you get up for work and sit in pee because someone left the toilet seat up...

So ladies on BC, don't you think love-making should be a free and 1:1 experience?

If so, I challenge you to bring this equation to 1.

monthly cost of birth control = 1
times of sex per month

Sincerely,
-Humanitarians at Yoga for Drunks

YFDTip #1: Scan a document, without a scanner.

Yoga for Drunks, Tip #1:
Scan a document, without a scanner.

Yesterday, I was on the phone with my friend Giggle and she was in dire need of a fax machine. Yep, a fax machine! Wtf? I didn't know people even used those things any more...

I told her this tip, and afterwards, she called and left me a message that I was a 'genius'. I'm not sure why it took her 16 years of friendship to figure that out, but anyway, here is the tip...

Equipment:
* Common sense
* Decent light
* Digital camera
* Computer

Step 1) Place the document upright in a location with decent and consistent light.
Step 2) Place the digital camera on something stable and aim it at the document.
Step 3) Take a picture, upload it to your computer, and email it.

Simple as that.

Don't think the quality will be good enough? I submitted my tax documents like this from Europe to PricewaterhouseCoopers. No joke.

Yoga for Drunks is here!

Yoga for Drunks.

It's here. You've been waiting for it and didn't even know!

So grab that Chelada (Budweiser-Clamato) and stay tuned...

Cheers,
-YFD